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The Ultimate Pet Guide for non-pet lovers

The first question that might be popping your mind is “why do they even need a pet guide?” True, a person that doesn’t have a crush to have an animal companion will only enjoy them on National Geographic or in someone else’s home, but that doesn’t mean that such person will have a pet-free house to live in. Still finding it odd? Imagine a woman who starts living together with a cat-aficionado guy that brings to their new home his delightful twelve kittens? The father that hears from his children the eternal classic: “Oh, daddy, can we get a doggy? Oh, please, please, can we??” Or even anyone who believes that getting a thing that has never cared about it in the first place might fill some void in his or her life?

 

Not looking such the oddball right now, isn’t it? Now imagine how these poor, misunderstood and extraordinary people who happens to not enjoy domestic animals that much feel when they search the web to look for how to understand the new dweller of their household and only find articles written by and appointed for animal lovers? Shame, I tell you…

 

But no more! Gather round, good folks who can’t get why cats are so cute and dogs so adorable, for in this concise and small guide you will find the way to master sharing a roof with a pet!

 

Let us start with the most common annoyance cute little buddy:

 

The Dog

 

Visual Appearance: Four legged when not mutated. Has two extremities: the one with the snout tends to produce loud noises called “barking”; the other one is used by the dog to pee and poop and also has a wagging tail on it. When it has no tail, it usually has a ridiculous “stump” on it that tries to be a tail.

 

Damage Risks: Your food when it’s not stored; all types of footwear; the garbage bin

 

Dogs tend to love what we humans eat maybe ‘cause no one has ever thought on making dog food that tasted well, so it’s normal that some will try to have a bite at your dinner. Also, slippers and shoes are to be kept closed and away from anywhere the dog can reach and lastly, some dogs have a thing for garbage: apparently placing their heads inside a good old dirty bag of filth and wastes is top notch for a dog and a mess to clean up after, so remember to have a good garbage bin that keeps itself well shut.

 

Benefits:

Since they need to go out (unless you want to turn your house into a septic pit of some sort), you will have to become active, even with tinny dogs this must be done. Being active helps being healthy so that’s a good thing. Dogs are also good to guard your place or, at least, they pretend to do it by barking at strangers, or neighbors, or friends, or relatives, or cars, or rocks and so on…

Also, if your single, having a dog can be a charm to attract a possible mate for you. For instance, imagine this situation in which a guy meets a girl and she’s very uninterested in him: “So I like to go out in rainy days, to collect tapestry and read about the stock exchange” Yes, lo and behold, the what might be the least interesting man in the planet, UNTIL: “And I have my dog Tickles.’ ‘Oh, really?’, says she, eyes suddenly glimmering with interest. ‘Yes, he drools a lot, acts like a retard when it’s happy and really loves to make huge turds.’ After that she will definitely ask ‘Would you like to come to my place?’

 

But what if she says: ‘Great, but I’m more of a cat’s person’

Then…

 

The Cat

 

Visual Appearance: Four legged fluffy animal with pointy teeth and sharp claws used to nib and scratch your stuff and yourself. They also jump a lot so they can break whatever you have in high places.

 

Damage Risks: Everything.

 

Cats are enigmatic humorless creatures: they can behave like total morons and stare at ordinary things before lunging to destroy them or might show an amazing display of elegance and agility while wrecking your place.

And if crashing things weren’t enough, they also spit out the famous hairballs on top of it. And if you think a hairball is like the ones that appear on cartoons, then think more on the likes of puke with hairs.

If you have male cats and don’t sterilize them on time, then believe me when they will spend their whole lives (yup, the seven of them) pee-spraying your belongings. Did you know that cat piss has a very strong fragrance? How strong? Think Trump-twitter-to-foreign-countries strong.

 

Benefits: They like to be petted and well-served. They demand that you know how to approach them or they will show their discontent very explicitly. Cats demand respect and obedience when in their presence. Cat gods demand writer to make article about domesticated animals…

 

Benefits not written by cats: Besides being a complete home-wrecking service in a small and, most of times, free package, they can also hunt small insects in your place or even rats, if you have a farm.

Another good thing is that they sleep a lot, so they won’t be thrashing things 24/7 in order to you put the place together once again only for the cat to have fun again later. Unlike dogs, they won’t be craving your attention, in fact, they will rarely want it. If you don’t care about your cat, don’t worry, he didn’t care about you since the beginning and never will.

 

The Bird

 

Visual Appearance: Tall, yellowish fur with brown spots and very long necks… you know, birds.

 

Damage Risks: Very little. They might just litter the area they’re in.

 

Size matters on birds. For instance, while the smaller species can just be put in a cage and live happily waiting to die, bigger ones like parrots require more care to be kept alive (assuming that you are, at least, trying to not let them die of starvation, regardless of how much you don’t care about them). Keep in mind that parrots do have a temper and do not do well with newcomers on your family, thus meaning that they will like them as much as you like pets – a big LOL in your face if you happen to find yourself in such position, but, luckily you won’t since you are reading this very helpful and insightful guide.

 

Benefits: Great if you like to hear chirping and keep animals with very little brains inside cages. Ok, so parrots are smart, true, some of them even smart enough to outlive you. The famous Big Bird from Sesame Street was educational and could even babysit your children and teach them the ABCs if you manage to afford the preposterous amounts of bird seeds needed to maintain that fat ass.

 

The Fish

 

Visual appearance: Fish come in all shapes and sizes, bearing all types of colors. Really, with so much offer how can it not be the most popular pet? Oh, right… I totally forgot how pet lovers like to be bored by their own pets…

 

Damage Risks: Other than other aquarium denizens (and that’s only in some cases). None! Zero! Nilche!

 

Since there are so many fish, you must fulfill a whole lot of requirements if you want to have some particular species, or else, your swimmers will be doing one of the things they do best: dying.

So the best thing to do before thinking about filling your tank is to speak with that weird looking friend that has an aquarium and knows them fishies by name.

 

Benefits: Also called “ornamental fish”, these guys are mostly considered a decorative piece for your home because they don’t make noise, they are easy to feed, don’t require any attention and still cause one hell of an impression on your living room. Unless you have to pay for the whole aquarium + life support devices + food + fish package, they are easily the best pet you, fellow non-pet lover, will ever find.

 

Of course that we could also keep going and cover lizards, snakes and insects – they’re almost the same as fish, only more expensive, hard to keep, uglier and some might even kill you; but instead let us only cover the last pet that you can find in the homes of a lot of pet loving people.

 

 

The Moose

 

Visual appearance: Being able to reach some whooping 700kgs/1.543lbs and with the males having those particular branched antlers, these huge mammals can be a common sight inside the house of animal lovers.

 

Damage Risks: A little bit of everything: lamps, furniture, plants and even the floor.

 

If you live in an apartment and are thinking about getting a moose, you better put one inside your home while it’s very young (called a caf). Once it grows, you might not be able to get it out of the house anymore. That is until it dies and is cut in pieces.

 

Benefits: If you’re Canadian, that’s a good way of showing of your patriotism: having a living national symbol occupying half of your living room. If you are not, then it’s a pretty good way to be miserable, however, you will easily find care guides on the internet and the huge amount of vegetables one will be needing daily.

They can also offer good protection against… everything, since there are reports of moose being able to kill grizzly bears and surely no one would want to mess around with a creature bigger than a horse.

Finally, they tend to be more aggressive during rooting season and if you happen to find your big horned friend enraged and in killing mode that just means you need to give him a big, caring hug.

 

 

I hope that this guide has found your voice, non-pet lovers, for it can be a headache to put up with that annoying creature that lives in your house and doesn’t help pay the rent.